So it goes.

Figured I'd update for those of you who actually read this thing.

I'm doing pretty well. Been re-evaluating a lot of things lately. Kind of tired of certain things, but realizing that I can make my own decisions. No more being a pushover. Classes this semester have been alright. My Astronomy lab and lecture are kicking my butt, but it's all good. Just a lot of information.

I'm going to change my major to history. I love my history classes and I do well in them. I still don't know what I want to do, but I figure a major in something I'm good at couldn't be a bad thing. Maybe I'll get a teacher's licensure.

Desperately needing a job. Tired of not having money to do anything. I would like to be able to go see a movie without having to starve part of the week.

Getting stuff ready for my Spring Break trip to Nicaragua. I'm so excited. It's my first out of country mission trip and all the people that went two years ago said it was amazing. I need to get my shots for ...tetanus... or something like that.

The rooming situation is working out wonderfully so far. I love living with Kelly and Kelsey. Kelsey has me inadvertently eating better. She buys all this whole grain, banana chip, oatmeal, protein stuff and I feel guilty eating my poptarts. Whatever. I feel healthier. I will say this though. We all love boring breakfast cereal, and going to bed early. Perfect.

Kelly and I bought holiday decorations for our little apartments. It's pretty cute. It's all fall-y. We have a giant light up spiderweb on our deck, fall leaf garlands on the tops of our cabinets, and a cute stuff turkey on the coffee table. I feel like an old woman, but I love it.

Ryan and I have been dating for almost 7 months. Everything there is going pretty well. He's debating transferring back next year. He's not happy at Bethel and he can get a Philosophy major here and go to seminary in Nashville. We'll see what happens. He surprised me a few weekends ago with flowers and my favorite scented candles. We may fight sometimes, but he certainly can be wonderful.

My mom's birthday was a few weekends ago, and I had the idea to redo the den for her birthday. We painted and rearranged the furniture. We also go a slip cover for the couch. It looks pretty good. A heck of a lot better than it did.

Life has been really low key lately. I love it.

Summer has started. Lovely, beautiful summer. It's shaping up to be a weird one. I'm living in Murfreesboro, but I'm commuting at least twice a week to Nashville. I don't feel completely isolated.

I'm babysitting Evie (my two year old niece) once a week. So much fun. That little baby girl makes me so happy. I accidentally locked myself out of the house while she was still inside last week. Now, before you pass judgment on me being the worst aunt/babysitter/person ever, let me explain to you their door. It's lock is opposite of how mine locks, and it also feels like it's unlocked from the inside regardless of whether it is or not. AAAND it sticks. So the cards were stacked against me. Luckily, their neighbor was outside and let me use his phone, and Chris told me how to break in by using a gardening tool. Didn't make me feel too safe...but whatever.

It's almost my birthday. I'm almost 19. So, so crazy. What a weird age to be. It's like teenage purgatory.

Feeling kind of under the weather. It's either a cold or some crazy allergies. Or pneumonia. Ryan's dad went to the hospital a few days ago when i stayed the night, and ended up having it. Crazy.

I'm on the leadership team at PSF. I never ever would have imagined a year ago I would be where I am now, and as happy as I am now. I love everyone I've become close with in college. So much. PSF is something else, man.

Thinking about changing my major. Pray that God moves me. I'm confused.

I'm missing certain people something fierce. My red headed lady needs to come back from ait stat. The army has had her long enough, thank you very much. And my lady doing it big in pulaski needs to come visit me and miss kelly. We neeeeed her. Can haz heather webbz?

More later.
I"m happy.
Exceedingly so.

The laundry never ends. Ever.
Three weeks till sweet sweet freedom.
All I want to do this summer is read, run, and lay in the grass with a huge glass of tea and my raybans on.
Warm summer sunshine.

Goals for the summer-
spend less money
learn stick
steal dads VW bus
drive to some place sunny and arid
wear sun dresses every day
read kerouac every day
take my fisheye with me everywhere
stock up on polaroid film, then use it all
freckles
tattoo
nose piercing
spontaneous roadtrip
backpack
lose another dress size
go to the mountains
take my puppies to the dog park
pull a thoreau, and go to edith's cabin in monteagle by myself
write something i can be proud of


Realistically, I'm aware the possibility of most, if any, of this happening is slim to none, but it's nice to daydream. Idealistic summer thoughts are always a beautiful thing to have.


I'm thinking about entering something I wrote in high school (and have been tinkering with lately) into the mtsu literary journal. Nervous, but willing to try.

( Pipe Tobacco - working title. blah. )
A lot of the emphasis is lost without the italics.
You get the gist though.


I'm tired. I want to sleep till May.
Maybe I will...

Well, I got a twitter.

If you gots one, you should follow me.

https://twitter.com/Ni_kiW_rd

Going back to Murfreesboro tomorrow.
I'm so ready to sit around my apartment and do nothing for a few days.

I had such a great weekend. I helped my sister and her husband clean out their upstairs. They were making a space for his drum kit (he used to drum professionally before he started his carpentry business). I ended up getting a bunch of my sisters old stuff, a la more van goghs for my room and a tiny lego luke skywalker keychain.

They took me out to dinner as thanks for helping. Had sushi for the first time. Yum yum.
Then we went back to their house and watched E.T. Evie, my niece, kept ribbiting at the screen because she thought he was a frog.

It was a good day.

Bring it on 2009.

( And, just because it's true. )

-Participated in a play I will never forget, and one I wish I could
-Cut classes
-Stayed out past curfew
- Graduated High School
-Was a Junior Camp counselor for the fourth year in a row
-Sold my first car
-Watched way too many movies
-Was disappointed
-Made new friends
-Lost old friends
-Moved out of the house
-Backpacked on the Grayson Highlands in Virginia, with wild ponies
-Officially changed my major to Art History
-Started playing the ukulele
-Bought more books than I had time to read
-Bought my first lomography cameras
-Quit my first job
-Lost an influential person in my life because of Church ridiculousness
-Got over my first heartbreak
-Voted
-Successfully completed my first semester of college
-Read a book that changed my life


Pretty good year.

I love big quilts, cold pizza, bad jokes, and 70s horror flicks with friends.


Hooray for life.

I think true independence is a laughable idea. No one can be truly self-reliant. I've always known this. I never wanted it anyways. I had always thought, though, I had a fraction of independence in my marrow. I could go places by myself. Eat dinner alone. Go to the park alone. Watch a movie alone.

I'm a liar.

The tree outside my window keeps me from going insane. Some nights, when there are no hastily made plans with friends, it's just the tree and me. If I lay on my bed at a certain angle, I can block the view of the traffic light and busy intersection, and it is just us. I wonder about my tree. His small quivering leaves and pale bark. He doesn't ask a lot of questions. It's refreshing. I think about his age, who lives in his long limbs, how far his roots extend.

I think I love him.

Sometimes I almost miss getting off the bus at my stop because I'm frozen in my seat. Maybe it's the jazz music my favorite bus driver plays. Maybe it's the way the others sway to the bumps and dips in the road.

I get lost. And sad. But I exist. Thanks Descartes. I have that much.

I'm a liar simply because I never do those things. I don't go to the theater by myself. Or the park. Anywhere for that matter. I always have something to occupy my thoughts. A book. A camera. It's never just me. Never. Because, I guess I'm scared to be alone with myself. What if I don't like me? No, it's easier just to avoid it and to revel in my pseudo-independence.

Maybe it's God in the tree, but I commune with it. I swear I do. I breathe in his waste and use it up. He does the same with mine. We have a decent system worked out, the tree and me. Give and take. That's all I'm asking for...from anyone.

I can still feel that raspy jazz music in my skin. I guess it got stuck in my pores. It influences me, actually. I can feel it's release when I make beats with my keys as I twirl them around my fingers when I pace up the stairs to my room, and to my tree. That's usually my day. Tree, jazz, knowledge, jazz, tree. Repeat. Maybe I'm frozen in my seat because the equilibrium of my days is pressing in from both sides so tightly that I can't. I just can't get up. It's physically impossible. I know that's not true though. I can't move because I'm scared to.

I dreamt the other night that I told my tree my deepest secrets, my saddest memories, my highest ambitions. I told him everything. And all he said was nothing. He just drank the soil and ate the sun. So I waited. Nothing. I cried. Nothing. I screamed. Nothing. So, I chopped him down.

I burnt him. Along with my books, and film, and letters. All of it. Gone. And I breathed him in. His ashes swirled within me and coated my lungs. I fell back into the wet grass and froze to the stars.

It was beautiful.

It was only a dream though. My tree was still there. My books were still piled all over my floor. I'm glad of it. I would have missed him.

I plan on waking up sometime soon. But not yet.
Not yet.

I've been sleeping a lot lately.
It has got to stop.
Albeit...I've been having some craaazy nap dreams.
Still, all this sleeping can't be a good thing.

I'm going to miss the Motion City concert tomorrow. Kelly has a intramural football game and we were going to ride together. Oh well. I've seen them once, and it was amazing. I figure I can wait to see them again.

I feel like I have my schoolwork under control, but that makes me nervous. I know I can't get too relaxed. Bad things happen when I get too relaxed. Although, I made a 100 on my last math test (even though it was ridiculously easy...I was still amazed.)

Today was the first legitimately chilly day.
I was so excited.
I can stop kidding myself that it's sweater weather, and not feel like an idiot wearing cardigans everywhere.
I love fall.
Love love.
I've got to figure out how the film in my Diana+ camera works though, because I keep screwing something up.
This would be an awesome time to start using it.
Hooray for lomo.

I hate thinking that I miss two summers ago.
I mean, I do...but there is no use in missing it.
It happened.
I had fun.
Now I'm here.
But the thing is, I don't really feel like I'm here. I don't know where I am.
I observe, but I don't process.
I keep it filed in my brain, waiting to examine it all later.
I guess I'm too frightened to really put myself in any position to fail.
Friendships.
Academics.
Spirituality.

I'm frightened. Of what, I'm not sure.
Which makes it worse, I guess.

Ok I'm only going to say this one time. If you're answering with "Hey guys," then that means that more than one person is on the same phone when they are calling you.
I am one person.
And a guy. Well, actually I'm a girl, but I would be the singular. So...you might want to think about that, because it's a little weird. "Hey guys," There's just one of me. Now I feel alone...and sad...that I don't hang out with more people.
To be more.
To be a plural.
Think about that Nikki.

-voice mail from my lovely sister, Tosha M. Barber.


Every time I change my voicemail, she has to critique it.
...
I love my family.

I had been my whole life a bell, and never knew it until at that moment I was lifted and struck. I have since only very rarely seen the tree with the lights in it. The vision comes and goes, mostly goes, but I live for it, for the moment when the mountains open and a new light roars in spate through the crack, and the mountains slam.
- Pilgrim at Tinker Creek, Annie Dillard

I have had this passage ringing in my mind ever since I got back from the backpacking trip I took in early August. Thought I might share.

Things are going...well. We do have a roommate. Her name is Haley, and she is one of the nicest people I've met. Plus, she's amazingly easy to live with. I'm getting used to my classes and dealing with the different teaching methods the professor's have. My French class is going to be a struggle for that reason, but besides that I'm enjoying them. I love my apartment, and I love my room. I haven't really been meeting a ton of people, but that will come when it comes. I'm really not worried. I am getting involved with this group called PSF, however. (Presbyterian Student Fellowship) So far they seem to be a really awesome group of people, and I think I'm going to enjoy learning with them.

I ride the shuttle to campus in the mornings, and I'm listening to my ipod, and I feel like I'm in a music video. Or a part of a movie where they play music over the actions. It's probably the best part of my mornings. (I don't even care how weird that sounds, it's true.)


I think I'm happy.
If I'm not, I'm pretty close.

I hate packing. I really, really do. I have no idea what to take. I have two boxes full of movies and dvds. I really should use the library more, but I like to ooown books. It's one of my weaknesses.

They still haven't told us who our third roommate is going to be. Fingers crossed they will just lock the room, and I will only have to pay three bedroom rent for a two bedroom. Score.

I'm going to have to get a job first semester, or I will not be eating. That is not going to go over well.
I really don't like all this growing up business.

And this is about the point in the entry when I realize that I have absolutely nothing to talk about.

Oh well.
(A little side note - I will marry Ben Gibbard. I will.)

I had orientation this week. It royally blew, but at least it's over.

Tentative First Semester Schedule

Monday, Wednesday, Friday

Mathematics for General Studies 910-1005
Introduction to Philosophy 1240-135

Tuesday, Thursday

Elementary French I 940-1105
Survey of United States History I 100-225
Foundations of Government 240-405


I'm really excited.
Nervous, but excited.

long time no post nikki.

basic life things/happenings.

-just got back from junior camp. i had tons of fun. those kids mean the world to me, and i love being a counselor. i think i would enjoy going to a real camp like that and being a counselor for a summer...but then again...maybe not.

-work for my dad now. WHAT? yea...

-i've been feeling kind of lonely lately for no real reason. i have no reason to, at all, i just do.

-i turned 18 and haven't done anything too crazy. i'm lame...basically. i did get red vans though. they make me happy.

-my shoulder's are getting those summer freckles. sweet june sunshine.

-regardless of that silly "lonely" whining a few bullets up, i am happy. exceedingly so. i take so much for granted, it's pathetic.

-i love when people randomly remember things about me. (quirks, pet peeves, favorite drinks) honestly, it makes me so happy. i don't know why. it's happened a few times recently. strange.

-i think i'm going backpacking in august. it's a long overdue trip. i need four days in the woods. woot. i miss it.

-mckay's=love

-i say "dude" too much.

-my deep love for the strokes has been reawakened. yeeees.

-life is good, man.

I would want a low stone house with shuttered windows and creeping ivy. A yard full of irises and poplar trees with a low fence. My grandmother's wrought iron bed covered in quilts. Minimal furniture and books everywhere. A lazy cat sleeping in the window sill. Cotton curtains. Sweet tea. Four pairs of shoes by the door. A big pair, a medium pair, and two tiny, dirty sets of sneakers. Lavender soap by the sink.
And light.
Lots of light.






Idealism at it's finest.

i think...my heart stopped during this.

i'm way too emotionally invested in this pretend relationship.

Jane Eyre is quite the book.

Weirdest spring break ever.
I went to Chattanooga with my grandmother. It's a pretty neat town.
My grandmother would get lost in her own house. It was the most frustrating thing trying to explain the map to her.
Over.
and over.
and over.
But I love her.

( Randomness continued. )